tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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