It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
