3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
