the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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