i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
