cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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