K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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