Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
