well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
