i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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