if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
