Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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