She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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