Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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