You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
