The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
