my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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