He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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