Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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