Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
