Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
