So drunk its hurt
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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