Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize