addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
