Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
