I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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