Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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