whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
