i jhust puked up my retainher.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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