You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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