i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
