I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Bring me that man meat
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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