when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
