woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
