Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
