Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
His hands were made for my vagina.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
