i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
