If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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