what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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