Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
where are you?
Hypothermia
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
