In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
