Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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