maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
