My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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