you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
