nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
