i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
