last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
