I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
