OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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