Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
