It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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