I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
