He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
