Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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