Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We smell like vodka and hangover
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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