So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
