I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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